Let Each Shine By Their Own Light

In that interim between having a dream and waking up from a dream, have you ever experienced a moment where you’ve forgotten yourself? Such forgetful moments are actually common occurrences in these in-between states, between sleep and wakefulness. It was during one of these experiences that realize I something pivotal.

Up until this particular occurrence it was easier for me to associate the idea of “attachments” with physical things - people, places and objects. Sometimes we obsessively cling to familiar tangibles for fear of losing what they have come to represent to us. When we convince ourselves that such objects are the source of our comfort and confidence in life they become our attachments. Our money, our cars, our houses, our designer whatever, our latest techno gizmos, the town we grew up in or maybe the one we grew up to move to, our lovers… Each of us has our own special inventory of physical somethings which we would rather fight the world trying before we willingly let go of them. We identify ourselves with the physical possessions we impart the most value to. This understanding was not new to me. But attachments don’t always have to have a physical form. I knew this too (but I knew it merely in the academic sense of the concept of knowing). It wasn’t until this incident that I was able to associate an actual experience to this academic understanding.

It started when the alarm clock jolted me awake mid dream. The shock of the abrupt change in my environment brought on a temporary confusion and for a moment everything was gone. I had no memory of what I had been dreaming, nor any tie to the world I awoke to. For just a split second I was aware of myself as being conscious and that was pretty much all. The absence of having any thought to readily identify myself with was an experience I wasn’t used to. The differentness of the feeling was disorienting and I was quick to panic. I craved an explanation for where I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I craved a sense of purpose, something I could hold onto so I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed by the sheer openness of the mental space I was in. It was too much to take in all at once. It made me feel exposed and vulnerable. I reacted defensively as I instantly set about trying to re-call all the thoughts and perceptions which I knew to be familiar to me. I was desperate to get a grip on my reality. In the state of limbo I was in all my usual thoughts and perceptions were for some reason removed from me, I had to actively go about re-collecting them. I realize then how much of a sense of comfort I get from holding onto certain views and conceptions. These views and conceptions are the things that form the fabric of the character I play in life. I was used to the emotions these recurring thoughts inspired. They were what made me feel like me. Being so acutely aware of the cause and effect relationship in this experience is what really brought home for me that while I could (for the most part) care less about material things and material labels, I was indeed very attached to mental things and the mental labels I liked to attribute to myself. I am assured. I am respectful. I live up to what I promise I’m going to do… Despite all the baggage that comes along with my definitions of what these mental labels mean to me, I have been adamant in my determination to hold onto them. I could now plainly see, however, how much false comfort I was deriving from clinging to familiar ideas. Yeah I’ve been growing, but now I have a better appreciation for how far I still have to go.

The lesson here is this:
Your thoughts are not indigenous to you. You have to deliberately claim your perceptions. Every moment of your life you are intentionally creating the person you choose to be, the role you choose to play in life. Everything about you and your life experience is by your design. The choice is always yours. Even more insidious than our desperate artificial need to hold onto tangible things, is our desperate artificial need to hold onto a habited way of thinking. My experience in this particular in-between state from sleep to wakefulness made me realize how addicted I am to the role I have chosen to play in life.

I was never so keenly aware of the power I have to either hold or let go of my thoughts and beliefs as I was in this particular dreamy moment. It wasn’t until this moment that I became wholly mindful of my actively reaching to pull back familiar thoughts. And never before had I been so conscious of the emotions inspired by these thoughts once I’d reclaimed them. Though I felt a sense of security from the familiarity of bathing in old ideas, not all of what I called back was pleasant. But the fact that I have the power to hold also means that I have the power to release. I can let it all go, if I so choose, any time I want. I can start fresh; remake myself as many times as I want. And the same power of transformation applies to you too.